An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Saturday, 16 September 2017

Game of Lout

As everyone who knows 'owt about beer knows, the great titanic struggle of the age is between Accountants and Brewers. Those suit wearing toss pots that only want to make beer as cheaply as possible whilst all wearing identical boring grey suits versus the true heroes. Those bearded lumberjack shirt wearing good guys that care passionately about beer and only want to make the best beer possible and damn the accountants. Damn them to Hell. Hell, if it wasn’t for the complexity of a corporation tax return we’d put them up against the wall and give them a good talking to about hops or some such shit until they sacked off accountancy and started up a craft brewery.

Accountant. Bastard.

Craft Brewer. Hero.

In proper Game of Thrones fashion there’s a new player in town. A new army in the fight for the Beery Throne. The Marketeers. They aim to sell beer and whilst they rarely use dragons they sometime use tits because we all like tits and those that say they don’t are lying. Tits are great except when it’s sexist to like tits then they are not great and tits should not be used to sell beer. Not ever. Why not sell some beer to people with tits? What do people with tits like? Well if those tits are man tits what they want is to lose a few pounds, be less of a Jabba the Hutt so they might pull a lady with real life lady tits and that’s where diet products come in. The narcissism of the age being to look good for a selfie, less calories = Better!

Who should be designing beers? Accountants? Brewers? Nope, Marketeers. They've done surveys and stuff and know what you want. You want to be thinner.

Wanna come down Spoons, Jon Snow,? I'll show you my dragons. And yes that's a euphemism, I mean my tits. 
Have they got Draught Bass on?
You know nothing, Jon Snow.

You’ve got diet pop, low fat yogurt, sugar free chewing gum and now finally low-calorie beer! Not now finally. You could write a history of low calorie beer on the UK market and it would be a history of failure. Decades of products going past their sell by date & being dropped. Whilst the product has caught on in other countries with a plethora of “Lite” beers those products have crashed and burned in the UK. But you know, God loves a trier and when I spotted this cheeky little box of low calorie lager in my local Tesco I thought I’d treat myself.

330ml of 4% lager with fewer calories, fewer carbs and gluten free. Brewed by Camerons Brewery of Hartlepool under contract of a company, Skinny Brands, that appears to specialise in low calorie booze products. It’s an adjunct free (all malt) lager as per the bottle info and comes in at 89 calories. That’s lower in calories than a Bud Light.

What’s it like? Duh. It’s a light lager. It’s lagery. Lighter than a Carling (and stronger than that 3.7% classic). More to it than a Bud Light. On a par with a bottle of Corona but with a smoother finish and arguably a better beer. I liked the stuff.

Tastes like lager. Nice. None of that craft muck.

It won’t trouble those that like to sniff beer and talk about hops but I’d prefer to pick one of these cold ones and neck it whilst watching telly than a lot of regular lagers. You can chuck one down your neck without it touching the sides nor troubling your taste buds with considerable ease. If you like a Corona, you’ll like one of these. If you think Corona is Mexican piss, you’ll think this is English piss. Fine proud English piss of God’s own England.

The lass did ask why I was necking what she thought looked like ladies’ beer but I just called her a sexist and refused intimacy until she changed that sexist attitude to teach her a lesson. There's no sexism in this house. It’s £10 for a box of 12x330ml in Tesco. It’s alright, I liked it.

*I bought it with my own money I’d earned from hard graft and not received it for free, in case you’re wondering

Monday, 19 June 2017

The Pub Men of Erlangen

A fact unknown to most beer communicators is the “The Tandleman” is not in a fact just a beer blog or communicator or a blogger but a title given to the first beer communicator that first wrote about the Inns of England in Roman times when they first sprang up along the Roman roads of England. Back then of course beer communication was done on parchment, not the internet and contained lots of “ye olde ale was ner sparkled and ye gods did thee not drinketh it with anythee joy, but necketh it I did”

Over the generations the title has been handed down from Tandleman to Tandleman in a ceremony shrouded in mystery and esoteric mystic practice among a group known as “The League of Tandlemen” that both appoint & anoint the next beer communicator. Think not so much like a new Pope being invested but if any of you are familiar with the Frank Herbert book “Dune” it is an unacknowledged fact of literature that the practice of appointing a new Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother written in this book was based on rumours he had heard of the League of Tandlemen and the mind-altering effects of extreme bitter consumption.

Pongy old man bitter has an effect if you truly pickle yourself in it so it becomes the very liquid that you sweat. When consumed to that degree it is said that you can transfer memories from one Tandleman to another so the line of memory and consciousness in regard to dumpy pubs and pongy bitter goes back to those first pints of substandard ale in that Roman Tavern that was too warm and cost too many groats. It is said that current Tandleman holds the memory as a real lived experience of that first pint of unsatisfactory murky unsparkled ale drank in the very first pub that ever existed.

I have been trying to join this esteemed body for many a year but unfortunately if you don’t go in pubs enough or drink enough old man bitter they don’t let you in. They let you knock about with them occasionally when you run into them at beer festivals and they are not a bad bunch but never will you get the desired accolade "Pub Man".

To make my case for entry into the esteemed League I thus met up with one of its American members, Erlangen Nick, who when he isn’t bullying people in a sexist manner over the internet goes in a lot of pubs, drinks a lot of ale, mucks about on twitter and lives a few miles up along a train track from where I am, in a town called Erlangen.

Meeting people you know from the internet & twitter can always be a bit of an unknown. What if they lure you into a sex dungeon and lock you up for years in a basement with no lager? I had met Nick a couple of times before in Manchester & the Tand had assured me he wasn’t as far as he was aware a serial killer so it was off to Erlangen for the day and to discover how membership of the League can be maintained via necking lager.

Lovely lager

So off we start on an afternoon of the lout. A nice one too this one but from the off I am informed of official League practice.

League members always measure the temperature of the lout and record it. Why? It’s just what they do. To join the league, you must too.

If in any doubt you can be assured it becomes habit. A natural thing to do when heading out to Pub Man it

Lovely Golden Lager

But how can you truly seep yourself in old man bitter, if you neck mainly lager? Here was a truth revealed. Not all lager is golden & fizzy. Some of it is brown and what not, and so long as you neck enough of the brown stuff it has the same mental effect on you as if you necked brown old man bitter. Hence you can be considered a pub man. 

Brown lager which ensures you maintain your League membership.

It really is all about drinking enough brown liquid in pubs wherever you are in the world. That is the key to entry into this mysterious league that meet in secret, practice weird esoteric pub based ritual & ultimately once in a generation select the Tandleman.

 How do you know when you finally attain League membership? When in the comments you are told "You are a proper pub man"