An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to anyone still bothering to read this tosh. 

Beyonce drinking beer, what's not to like?

News of the week is the Camden buy out, which every beer blogger worth their salt will be opining on. Two of the better ones are the perspective of an industry shill having his invoices paid, the notable writer Dredge here. Don’t blame you Dredge. Any company that’s ever given me owt for nowt or paid one of my invoices has my loyalty and I wouldn’t bite the hand that feeds. We all need to make a coin. Every company I ever worked for is great. Even the shit ones.

From the other side, weeping fan boy Curtis here, at his passive aggressive best. He isn’t hurt, just disappointed. Like your Dad was when you were 12 and the Headmaster of your school contacted him about you necking cider and fingering girls on school premises instead of going to woodwork class. But Dad, what’s the point of woodwork; I got an A in maths? I’m disappointed in you son. Ouch that stings. Love it, Curtis. It’s a cracker. Always worth a read. You're chomping at Dredges heels and in 2016 I want to see a Curtis beer book on the book shop shelf I can ignore and not buy. Set to it, fella.

Do I have an opinion? Of course I do. Lager is worth about 50p a can. Its great stuff, you should enjoy it. It beats rip off bitter in pubs. When mugs start thinking it’s worth £5 a can and start buying it at that because they erm “support craft brewing” or some such tosh, the brewery churning out grog made of commodity barley (as they all are without exception) and retailing at such implausible prices becomes worth a lot of loot and the nice lads with rich Dads invariably called Jasper or Toby that started it up will cash their chips in before the market corrects. Of course they will. So would you. Only you would buy something vulgar with it because you are not as posh. They will buy something tasteful. So that’s all right then.

If you can think of any commodity that you can convince mugs to shell out premium prices for, you’ve got a brand building business you can cash in because you have figured out the holy grail of “added value”. Of taking something, doing something to it (designing a nice logo and calling it punk beer?)  to ”add value” and flogging said improved commodity. It’s why tables are worth more than trees, why cars are worth more than metal, why cleaned and chopped vegetables are worth more than dirty ones, why breakfast cereal is worth more than corn, why beer is worth more than barley and why “craft” beer is worth more than beer.

I only wish I could think of something to crowd fund and sell out on. I’d buy a big tasteless vulgar villa in Spain with a pool and giant statues of tits everywhere with all the loot and sit in the sun with a cold lager rather than hawk my computer talents about in a cold country where it pisses down constantly and it’s always dark and they expect me to start before lunchtime.

I’m sure nothing will change at Camden, not even when the grog is churned out of the Magor brewery they churn Stella out of. Nothing’s changed with that premium authentic Belgian lager has it?

I have no Golden pints other than to say LAGER is golden. Neck as much of it as you can as cheaply as you can.

My beer blog of the year is this post from Matt Johnson, not because it’s any good. It’s just made me laugh with its brass neck. He’s special you see. He’s a regular. That means he gets a glass and you don’t. Regulars are special. It is arguably one of the great achievements in life becoming a regular. It involves going to the same pub a lot, over and over again without them telling you to go away. It nails what human endeavour and achievement truly is. It isn’t brilliance or intelligence or talent. It’s perseverance. It’s keeping at it until you achieve it or people give you money to stop you doing it because it bothers them. It’s not giving up. I like beer blogs that reflect a fundamental human truth rather than just bang on about beer. That’s how you achieve anything in life. Then you achieve the coveted status and get a glass to drink your beer from. No greater prize hath man ever won. Then you too can be special. Marvellous stuff. Keep it coming, Matt.

I may never achieve this status and may forever be that new face you see only the once, ever. But I have noticed it’s the time of year for people banging on about pub amateurs ruining it for the pub regulars (or alkies as they are more commonly known). Oh get over yourselves. I have an axe to grind here because at Xmas there are 2 types of people, hosts and guests. Hosts provide seasonal hospitality and guests appreciate it. My sister is host this year so we are all piling into to her big house to eat her food and neck her grog. I am a guest. We all have the grace to be grateful and be polite guests. If I go to the pub on Xmas day it will be in a pub near her I have never been in before. I will stump up for a round as it’s the least I can do as I’m not be preparing anything and if the locals that keep the place going all year don’t like interlopers like me they can naff off like the miserable bastards they are. I shall elbow my way to the front and get served first too. Damn right.

Merry Christmas, all the joy of the season to you and your family.