An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Beer Quality


I got an email a few days back from a chap that was obviously hawking something. I usually bin off such stuff unless they are offering me free beer in which case I wholeheartedly express my support and enthusiasm for their endeavour. For the record the chap was hawking the following tat here. It’s only worth looking at for the couple of pretty girls and the menu “getting good head” which made me snigger, at least. I like the puerile end of comedy.

His email got me thinking though, what are the attributes of good beer? My conclusions are as follows

Price.

A beer can never be too cheap. Free is the best price but as a preference, a price of buttons is preferable to an arm and a leg. A beer can be too expensive, for sure, but never too cheap.

Temperature

A beer can never be too cold. Even a beer ice lolly is good. A beer can often be too warm, but never too cold. Ice cold lovely lout slips down a treat and doesn’t touch the sides.

Fizz

I don’t think I’ve ever had a beer that I thought was too fizzy. I’ve had limp flat pongy beer all too often, but never one I thought was too fizzy. Fizz is the sparkle that tickles the senses.

Conclusion

The greatest beer in the world has to be the cheapest, coldest fizziest beer there is, and it is possible to measure each factor. The price is clear, the temperature easily ascertained and the fizziness apparent from the power of the subsequent belch after the first swig. By this simple test it is possible to work out whether a beer is proper real cooking lager or just overpriced warm flat pongy muck you want to avoid lest you get stung.

9 comments:

Curmudgeon said...

Alcohol content? The higher the better? So the greatest beer in the world is the cheapest, coldest fizziest, strongest beer there is? ;-)

Incidentally, given your love of low prices, I don't suppose you'll be venturing in to the Pointing Dog in Cheadle Hulme, will you?

Neil, Eating isn't Cheating said...

The same bloke made a ridiculous comment on my blog and an even worse one on James from Summer Wines. We've both now deleted his comments (with link to that website).

I can't believe you've actually given them an inbound link!

Cooking Lager said...

Depends if you're paying Mudge.

I thought about ABV but really, anything not 4 or 5% isn't proper lout. Below is piss and above is tramps piss.

I can't be arsed being crappy with people, Neil.

Sid Boggle said...

I'm with Neil. Jumping the shark, there, Cookie...

Eddie86 said...

So your not a fan of Carlsberg then cookie?

Cooking Lager said...

This rubbish jumped the shark long ago.

Carlsberg is nectar, Eddie.

Saga Of Nails said...

I'm pretty sure that they would be breaking the rules on alcohol advertising with those videos. I'm not sure if it applies to services as well as beer, but you're not actually allowed to show bouncing boobs just to sell booze.

Eddie86 said...

But Carlsberg is Piss going off your rating system based on ABV (3.8%)

Mind you I am easily confused when it comes to lager. Your blog simplifies it enough for me most of the time.

Paul said...

Eddie86: But Carlsberg is Piss going off your rating system based on ABV (3.8%)

Sure that's just the watery version though that nobody sensible would ever drink? The real thing is a slightly more appealing 4.6%.