An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Wednesday, 5 May 2010


I’m feeling inspired by the puppet master of beer blogging. It’s clear that the behaviour of some CAMRA members leaves something to be desired. From the poll on the left, it is clear that most CAMRA members can pass for normal, however it’s clear some cannot.

Don’t worry beer fans. The Campaign for Greater Cooking Lager Appreciation is on hand to help any brothers in beer overcome with a tendency to swap videotapes of trains and consider himself a casketeer. On offer is a free cooking lager appreciation course to reintroduce you to the rest of humanity.

On this course you will learn how to

1. Get a modern stylish haircut from an actual barber or hairdresser and not off your mum.

2. Shave your face or sport a modern bit of trendy stubble, and get rid of that beard!

3. Sign up to a gym; get rid of that beer gut and a guide to kissing your guns when you wink at a lady alongside an explanation why you ought not do that no matter how pleased you are with your new look.

4. Drink out of the glass given to you and bin that tankard!

5. Shop for some “with it” clobber including decent jeans, a nice shirt and banging trainers. There will be a ritual burning of corduroy, cardigans, faded beer festival T-shirts, and tatty old jumpers.

6. A trip round Tesco to fill our trolleys with special offer cheap lager.

7. A trip to a smart modern bar for a lovely ice cold fizzy pint of lout, where I will talk to a girl and introduce her to you so you get to talk to a girl for a bit. Don’t worry, it takes practice. This is but the first step on a journey more exciting than pongy beer.

8. An explanation of who the pop stars are on the video screen in the bar and if you like a CD of banging tunes straight off my ipod if you agree to burn your prog rock and Kraftwerk collection.

9. I will show you which channel “Pimp my Ride” is on so you never have to watch subtitled Wallander on BBC4 again. We will delete BBC4 from your tellybox.

10. A free certificate, stating you attended the course and are no longer a twat. You will be able to produce this certificate as proof if ever anyone like Pete Brown calls you a twat.

Sign up below and be cured of your pongy ale addiction. Look forward to normality and being accepted in regular society as a “normal regular person”.


rabidbarfly said...

Done it again Cookie, my stomach hurts from laughing so much..or was it the pongy ale!?

Sid Boggle said...

Steady on Cookie! destroying the Kraftwerk is a bridge too far!

crownbrewerstu said...


Tandleman said...

Signs you are forcing it a bit now Cookster.

As for Wallander, how could you?

PS. Stonch used to have a "Never trust" bit on his blog. He didn't have "Never trust someone who thinks they are normal and other people aren't."

He ought to have had.

Cooking Lager said...

You are giving me to much credit Tandy. It's always been a weak series of lame idiocy. It's no worse than it ever was.

That's 4 signed up, anyway.

mentaldental said...

That was funny. Like all good comedy it was uncomfortably close to the truth!

Curmudgeon said...

But BBC4 is my favourite channel. Prog Rock Britannia was programme of the year!

Cooking Lager said...

I'm surprised to see you six signing up. Never had you down as the "odd ball" wing of CAMRA. But if you feel you need to gain a better appreciation of cheap lout, good on you.

Dan said...

In my mind, you sound like pitman - another Northerner with no time for bollocks. Do you?