An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Thursday, 25 March 2010

What is wrong with beer bloggers?

The poll on the left is closed, 43 people could be bothered voting. 72% would prefer to sit in a dumpy traditional boozer necking a pint of dark murky pong, than sitting in a smart urbane modern bar, discussing post feminist female empowerment with the lovely Alesha Dixon, and enjoying a golden delicious ice cold fizzy pint of lout?

What is wrong with you people? Is it Alesha? She not your cup of tea? Prefer a bit of Lucy Pinder? Go on tell me, it’s okay. You could sit there with Ann Widdecome if you like. If that is your bag. It’s okay if you don’t like girls, it’s the 21st century, no one is going to mind if you’re a friend of Dorothy, but I’m sure Alesha would have some like minded male friends she could introduce you to. If you're a lady, pick Gerard Butler or someone. Even I accept the lady squeeze is trading me in, if Gerard comes a knocking. I know my place. But sit in a dumpy old mans pub?

Really, what on earth is going on, what is wrong with you people? What is it about these dives that could possibly be more appealing than Alesha Dixon? The beer blogosphere is truly as mad as a box of frogs.

Please, answers below. What is it about these places?


Skin4Life said...

Shit, I'd drink pints of Alesha Dixon's bath water. Straight up, without a dash of lime cordial.

Curmudgeon said...

Well, as I've said before, Cookie, these smart urbane modern bars you bang on about are a figment of your imagination.

And there's no guarantee that Alesha Dixon is going to uncork my bottle at the end of the evening, so why waste my time drinking expensive piss?

Cooking Lager said...

Mudgie, I'm sure the lasses of Stepford are as pretty as anywhere and I am sure Stepford isn't as much of a dump as you make out and there are some nice urbane bars. Do you need me to google the place and take you out in Stepford and talk to some nice lasses for you? Come on lad, raise your game, step out of the comfort zone. Steer clear of the pong for a night and live a little.

Paul Garrard said...

I presume Alesha Dixon is the young lady in the picture and presumably she is famous for something? Are we going to get some interesting conversation from her?

All my adult life I've preferred older women and even in middle age that has not changed. Give me Germaine Greer and a pint of old and filthy any day!

Barm said...

Maybe we are so out of touch with the UK's sad celebrity cult that we have no idea who Alesha Dixon is? Are we missing something?

Meer For Beer said...

Because bars are expensive and pubs are cheaper. :)

Sid Boggle said...

With a name like Alesha Dixon, I assume she's on the radar of people like John 'JT' Terry and Ashley 'Cashley' Cole, who will happily ply her with champagne and vodka at these smart urbane modern bars, then take her somewhere where she will say 'hullo' to their Gentlemen Vegetables. Another Modern Romance.

I know my place...

Lee said...

I didn't know who Alesha Dixon is when I answered the question, and I ain't drinking crappy light beer for some woman I don't even know. In fact, I'm unlikely to drink crappy beer for any woman – in the long run, you're better off with a woman who doesn't make you suffer just to be in her company.

And besides, Dixon's a bit skinny for me. Pinder's more my type.

Cooking Lager said...

Lads & lass. I don't understand it. I thought beer bloggers were normal people with a peculiar hobby for rank archaic beer, but that it's really "only beer". That an evening with top totty might tempt you away from the pong. Now I know the pong is all. Nothing can drag you to normality. I shake my head, uncertain of you all. Would train spotters prefer a windy cold platform to an evening with a pretty lass? Maybe, may not, but beer bloggers. Go figure.

Skin4Life said...

Beer blogger = Geek.
Not many get laid, except Dredge.
You can love beer and not be a geek.

There should be a list of the top geeks. Maybe have a vote??
Here's what I got, in no particular order.

1. Dredge
2. Curmudgeon
3. Pattinson
4. Beer Nut
5. Stan & Ollie(Boak and Bailey)
6. Avery(although I sort of like Avery)
7. Raj Patel(Pete Brown)
8. Protz(Geek & Dick Deluxe!)
9. Herr'man
10.Frau Cole(Female Geekery at its finest)
11. Queer for Beer(Meer For Beer?)

Plenty more I'm sure. I'm sure at this very minute some sorry twat just went into business as an official beer writer/blogger.

Curmudgeon said...

#2 - brilliant. I've never got that high on Wikio. Ta, mate, I'll buy you a pint of pong if I ever meet you.

I think I come first in the Black Helicopters Award, though :p

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting to find out who Alesha Dixon is

Mark, said...

I confused Alesha Dixon with that horse one, Alexandra Burke.

Can I re-vote? Alesha every time!

Tandleman said...

Cookie - Your mistake is to place your fantasy on a pedestal. Now pre skinny Kate Winslet or pongy? Sod the beer, you can have THAT anytime.

Mmm. Kate Winslet.

Mark, said...

Tandy, Kate Winslet is soooooo last year. I'd take Kelly Brook (big breakfast era) any day.

Matt said...

Evidently your blog following is the beardy weirdy crowd.

The lager louts and smart bar types have no time for you.

It is time to accept your lot in life and go pong with the rest of your blogger mates!

Pigman said...

Abi Titmus and young Ms Dixon in a lesbo flick where Abi gives it to Dixon with a Corona bottle.

I'd like to see that. Actually, if someone made that come true, I'd promise to only drink cooking lager for the rest of my days.

Sid Boggle said...

Actually Cookie, I'm more worried that you appear to be reading these 'celebrity' magazines like 'Heat', whereas I'd be expecting no literary fodder higher than 'Nuts'.

Please confirm you know who these people are because your missus buys them...

Meer For Beer said...

I never have been an offical beer blogger or writer, writing about something I enjoy doesn't make me one. Beer Geek? Meh, semantics.

Barm said...

How do you get to be an "official" blogger? Where's the office that gives out credentials?

Meer For Beer said...

The offices of Skin4Life by the looks of things.......

Tandleman said...

Mark - Don't forget I'm an old man. My fantasies are therefore reflected against that background.

To elaborate I had to look Kelly Brook up as I'd never heard of her. Not that impressed either.

Not that she'd give a monkey's chuff.

Cooking Lager said...

Notwithstanding what appears to be an almost shameful ignorance of popular celebrity culture, a fair few arguably need to stay in more and watch celebrity dancing shows with the missus and go out to pubs less.

Read the missus’s Heat magazine. I’ve been a fan ever since picking up a copy in a dentists waiting room and seeing a headline related to an manic anorexic girl off Big Brother who was dating a chap off the same show known for his swearing who apparently was well endowed in the trouser area. The picture featured her startled expression and headline read “How am I meant to deal with his cock?” I laughed so much people started to stare and look concerned. I miss it when the missus fails to buy a copy.

Maybe we could make some beer writers celebrities. I propose a TV show where we lock up Avery, Pete Brown & Protzy in a house for a month and give them nothing but Doner Kebab Pot Noodles and cans of Woodpecker cider.

Tandleman said...

So how did she deal with it?

The word verification - honest - is "inher".

Spooky or what?

Mark, said...

@Tandleman - The real ale should be keeping you young no?!

Tandleman said...

@Mark - I wish. It doesn't cure arthritis, but you do forget about it for a while.

Montague said...

Ah, look at all the beer buggers rallying around each other! Very cute and exceptionally geeky! I think you all need a reformation like the Christians.

I'd love to see some geeks living in a house together! Fly Whorst out from SoCal and make him a participant. Be like inviting a weasel to a chicken coupe!

Brian said...

Dear Mr. Lager,
I would gladly rattle Ms. Dixon, but voted against that option because much like yourself I'm not a fan of people and they tend to congregate in larger numbers in trendy bars versus old man pubs. Hence, I had to choose the other option.


Pete Brown said...

Your comments answer your question for you, Cookie.

Too many (though by no means all) beer bloggers are over-literal, negatively minded, out of touch with the real world and have absolutely no sense of humour. I'm getting a bit fed up with it to be honest. Whether at a given moment in time you fancy a pongy ale or a fizzy lout, in my book the only point of drinking beer - any beer - is to have a laugh, a chat, relax and have a good time with your mates - or with Alesha Dixon. I'm getting really fucked off with the dour, humourless negativity that seems to be permeating beer blogging at the moment.

The only people I have less time for are the twats you seem to attract who profess nothing but scorn and hatred for beer bloggers, and yet seem to spend their entire lives online reading every word we write.

Actually, as you've given us the choice, I've been thinking recently about the thinking drinker's totty. If Alesha Dixon is Carling, and Lucy Pinder Sainsburys own label lout, who is my Worthington White Shield or Timothy Taylor Landlord? Women who may not be as immediately attractive or easy to appreciate to everyone, but who float my boat in a richer, more depth of body type way?

And I can say that I would gladly drink Foster's and Lime in a twatting Pitcher and Piano if I could do so in the company of:

Caitlin Moran

Gina McKee

Sally Phillips

Any of them. A couple of them. Preferably all of them. Purely for a polite chat on a platonic basis, you understand. That's all I have to say on the matter.

Cooking Lager said...

I do attract some odd balls, Pete. You're one of them. Though I like odd balls. I would prefer people to be polite to each other and not call others "scum" and such like. It's more fun, when people play nice.