An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Monday, 25 January 2010

Monday, monday

It is enough to make you want to give up and go home. The poll is in and a shocking number of readers of the tosh and bollocks that constitute this blog are drinkers of pongy ale, like the chap in the picture. 72%. Good God. Only 3 people (10%) voted for high quality refreshing and inexpensive good value cooking lager as their preferred tipple. 21 people (72%) voted for pongy ale. A classy 4, 13% drink the finest wines known to humanity and I am pleased 1, 3% drink Bucky, Turps & White Lightening. Nice work fella.

It’s a result that makes you despair of humanity. However is it society that is warped or just the beer blogosphere? It’s easy to see the doom and gloom in articles like this, but when you realise there are over 32 million lager louts in our male population and another 16 million in the female population you realise that lager is still number 1. The pongy ale jihadists haven’t won yet. Despite bad news here, that cheap lout is becoming difficult to find there are still bargains to be had.

The key strategy as I see it for cooking lager enthusiasm, to arrest the decline and return to growth, is to begin to view the drinking of anything but cooking lager as a reprehensible act. We need to view wine and ale drinkers as weirdoes and toffs respectively. We need to highlight that it is in fact them that are causing all the trouble with their irresponsible drinking and fighting. Like the term lager lout, we need terms for the bitter ale and wine drinkers that paint a poor picture of them. We might even need to drink lager out of big wine classes and pair it with organic food to appeal to middle class values, but there is a point when you have to ask yourself is there victory in becoming the enemy?

Mudgie here explodes the fallacy of preloading, in the beer blog of the year (take note guild people), pointing out rightly that most of the alcohol trouble occurs in, or near licensed premises. Indicating clearly that licensed premises serve drunks and let them loose on the streets. We need to hammer the point that cooking lager drinkers do not get into fights and it’s the pubs and bars that need hammering.

I am coming to the conclusion that what is required is a cooking lager consumer group. A bit like CAMRA but without the weirdoes, social inadequates, tankards, plastic bags and beards. People to stand up for the right to neck the finest beverage known to man, a can of ice cold fizzy lout. However unlike the Beer Nut who is busy setting up an Irish CAMRA, but without the odd balls, I cannot be arsed getting up off my couch to do it. It takes me all my effort to get up for another can of lagery nectar. I couldn’t even be bothered attending the blogger tweet up, despite the obvious need to convert this lot to cooking lager. To get them off the ale and on to something crisp, cold, fizzy and delicious.

Is there anyone out there that can fight for the right to drink lout?


Curmudgeon said...

I think you'll find the guy in the picture is an aficionado of pongy cider (complete with dead rats for added flavour) rather than pongy ale.

Cooking Lager said...

I drank that once Mudgie. Once was enough. Nasty stuff. Puts a road through you though. I'll consider it again if I'm ever bunged up.

Ken Davidson said...

Your constitution must've been weakened by years of cooking lager. I can neck pint after pint of cow-manure-smelling real cider, with nary a blip in the alimentary canal.

Mind you, depending on the number of my brain cells that have been destroyed by the stuff, my memory may be blanked. Though I think if I'd had trouble with the old tea-towel holder, my nearest and dearest would've informed me. Or run away.

Moreover, I consider pongy ale to be rather less than pongy. The pongiest thing being some real perries, replete with the smell of bostik. They're sharing volatile esters don'tcha know! ;) One step away from glue sniffing.

Cooking Lager said...

A fair point Ken. I'd go as far to say that pongy ale is by and large quite neckable. Pongy cider is the work of Satan.

Whorst said...

Cookarino, are you familar with Proper Real Keg?? There is a subdivision within APRK called ACLE, or Army for Cooking Lager Enthusiasts. When APRK moves forward here soon, I'll have you write the Mission Statement for the ACLE.

Jeff Pickthall said...

It's the "disease of lager" chap – your nemesis Cookie:

Jeff Pickthall said...

I'm mistaken: it's the "war against fizzy beers and lager" chap.

Cooking Lager said...

That Jeff, is fantastic.