An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

A little french sophistication

Before another stab at polishing off the seasonal grog it was time for an aperitif. And what in the world is better than a cooking lager aperitif? A glass of the cooking to wet the palate and stimulate the appetite.

One of the beer gift sets hit the spot. The Kronenberg one. A delightful drop of 5% French lout with a sweetish aftertaste and image of continental sophistication. A Barley/Wheat mix forming the main liquor and for cooking lager at least, a little aroma of hopping to the beverage. A delightful swig spoiled by 2 factors. The bottle was 330ml and didn’t fit into the half pint glass, and the half pint glass was by any standard and definition of the term completely and utterly gay.

There are traditionalists that don’t like the modern usage of the word gay. They prefer its older and historic meaning of “screaming queen” However I’m no homophobe. I’d like to say some of my friends are gay, but they are not. A mate of the lady squeeze is as camp as Dale Wintons Christmas and whilst he has always struck me as a cordial and polite fellow I wouldn’t go as far as to say I like him. But then again I’d say that for most people. I’m not a people person. I dislike most people, including family members I love and friends I’ve known for years. People come in 2 categories, those with boobs and those without. Of the category of “those with boobs” (about half the population) there is a sub category of “those with boobs that let me play with them” and in that category there is only one person, the lady in my life. So there really is only one person I’d go as far as to say I liked and wanted to spend time with. If there is a purpose to other people I’ve yet to discover it.

Back to the point at hand, the modern usage of the term gay is not a term for those that bat for other side but a term that means “naff” or “rubbish” or “shite”. To describe an inanimate object as gay is not to say it has a sexual preference but to say it is not much cop. And half pint glasses are not much cop.

Half pint glasses are therefore by and large gay. From the mini dimple and nonics to this attempt. I have rarely seen ones that aren’t gay. I’ve seen one or two that are stylish, modern and trendy, but even those are gay because like trying to be cool is just so uncool. Who on gods earth would ever drink out of such a gay receptacle? The beer gift set would have been better with either a pint pot or more interestingly a 330ml glass for home drinkers rather than a repackaging of unwanted pub stock.

Having said all that the lout hit the spot and got me in the mood to mix a few cocktails and refine the recipe. Firstly the white spirits go best; alongside white wine, a dash of Port, and a useful addition are bottles of alcopop like blue wkd. With this it’s possible to throw stuff in a blender and make a slush puppy booze cocktail that even the missus will drink. The fuller flavoured darker spirits tend to dominate the fruit juice. In order to get the lady squeeze to dry one serve in a cocktail glass and make up a name. Something like “Chicago blue mist” or “Manhattan red sky”. There is a cocktail called a Manhattan and you never know, what you knock up might even share some common ingredients. This makes it sound like you knew what you were doing and haven’t just knocked up something foul. One tip though. Olives and cherries make a nice bit of decoration to a cocktail. Despite their name, cocktail sausages on cocktail sticks are not to be put in cocktails for decoration. It’s considered an error to put a small sausage in a drink. Throw enough of this grog down her and you’ll get an offer of an early night. It’s a winner.


Curmudgeon said...

There is actually a marked lack of decent glasses to drink 330ml bottles of beer out of. I have a Belgian Rochefort glass which gets pressed into service for all kinds of unsuitable brews like BrewDog Punk IPA.

Presumably in general 330ml bottles are meant for necking.

Tandleman said...

"If there is a purpose to other people I’ve yet to discover it." Gives a whole new meaning to self sufficient. Love it.

Cooking Lager said...

I didn't think when I wrote that, to be honest Tandy. Of course people have a purpose. They make things that I use whether it be oven chips or cans of lout. And my fellow beer blogger community amuse me. God has a purpose and meaning for everything.

Whorst said...

Question: Is the big, bulbous, over-sized, wine glass gay?? I'm going to go out on a limb and say YES!!

ZakAvery said...

What about adding cocktail sausages to the alco-slush for a romantic-sounding New England Slurry?

And Whorst, you can get over a pint in those big, bulbous Burgundy bad-boys - they're anything but gay.

Whorst said...

I'm not questioning the capacity Avery, I'm saying they look ridiculous. I don't believe for a second that a nonic with 5 ounces of beer in it is going to give a duller olfactory sensation than if you drank it from your big, bulbous, over-sized, wine glass. Most people know this, but are afraid to confront you. Last thing someone would want is to be glassed by you and your stemware. I can see you getting pissed up and going on a rampage when someone brings up the over-sized wine glass. How fitting for you, if that person was me?? Only to find that your NHS doesn't cover injuries caused by the over-sized wine glass. Sorry Avery, I'll be wearing headgear similar to what the Apollo Astronauts wore when we meet.

ChrisM said...

Great post Cookie, so often these things appear to look the part when they're in the packaging and then disappoint. With regards to the cocktails, cocktail sausages are only allowed if the cocktail comprises of humous or salsa only!

Curmudgeon - I tend to find the Stockport Beer Festival tankards do the trick for 330ml bottles as they are 14oz.

Curmudgeon said...


The 14oz tankards were a one-off in (I think) 2008. They were dropped last year (and this) because the festival was losing too much beer through over-measure. The half-pint glasses are now more normal 11½oz ones.

ChrisM said...

Curmudgeon - they can't have been a one off as I have at least 3 from different years! 11.5oz ones do make more sense though, both cost and over-measure wise!