An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Vanity is my favourite sin

It can be said, though by whom I have no idea, that when one tires of the beer blogosphere, one is tired of life. Luckily it is impossible to tire of the beer blogosphere as its capacity to enlighten and entertain knows no bounds. This blog proudly stands nowhere on the wikio ratings, proudly has won no awards, and more proudly is both written and presumably read by people who really ought to have something better to do, than this sort of bollocks.

The British guild of beer writers (yes there is such a thing) recently awarded a number of the beer blogger spheres brightest and best talents, and the fullest of congratulations to them. It can be churlish to mock deserved achievements, and I do enjoy the blogs awarded. I shall not name and shame the culprits that bang on about their wikio rating or awards, both out of previously mentioned respect and also out of the fact that I love the whole idea of it, and want them to continue. Though I suspect the intention is not to amuse. Thus a fine line must be trod. I find myself wishing to mock, but not wishing to sound churlish. I also feel that in allowing people to see themselves through my eyes, they might be prompted to alter the behaviour that amuses me, and thus my amusement will fade.

However I cannot help it that the whole idea of an Oscar ceremony for beer writers forces a smile to form upon my face. I cannot help it. I find it funny. It is no disrespect to those involved; I cannot help it and am unable to suppress the snigger.

With all the prestige of a TV quick, a British Soap award, or Britain best butcher award, the British guild of beer writers manages to amuse and entertain by the simple fact of its existence. It doesn’t really have to do anything, though having award ceremonies is icing on the cake. The simple fact that it exists is enough to make me smile and be happy that I live in a country that would have such a thing. Even better than that though is the giving out of gongs to people who write about beer. I want it streamed live on the internet, that’s what I want. I want to hear the acceptance speeches; I want to see the quality of celebrity giving out the gongs. I want to see Kate Thornton on ITV2 at a back stage party interviewing the winners and losers.

I am unfortunately unable to join such an outfit as the guild for 3 reasons. I wouldn’t be a member of anything that would have the likes of me as a member, I wouldn’t pay money for it, and I can’t be arsed. Though if it involves free grog I might reconsider. Is there free grog?

I did think of creating the British guild of cooking lager writers and awarding the good people of the blogosphere for their sterling efforts with a bit of a tat certificate I knocked up on PowerPoint as you can never have enough self congratulatory back slapping. In today’s world everyone has to be a winner, no one can fail, so I did think of awarding a medal to pretty much everyone.

However the only people who deserve an award are the select few who bother to read this tosh. To paraphrase George Hamilton, you can waste your money but you don’t have enough life to waste your time. And you choose to spend time, precious parts of your life you will not get back, to reading shite on the internet. Tis you, you select few, who deserves and award, so I tip my can of lout to you, may you never find something better to be doing than pissing about reading crap on the internet, written by inarticulate and poorly educated idiots like me.

I have been racking my brains thinking of a way to say thank you, and thought the best way was to have a beer and rattle the missus. Not to do it for any old reason, but to do in your honour. The beer chosen for this thank you was Leffe blond. A usually pricey beer, much derided by beer enthusiasts due to it being a fake Belgian abbey beer knocked up under licence by Inbev at their Stella factory in Belgium. I have a bottle, however, from a beer gift pack. A lovely spicy 6.5% grog that most defiantly puts you in the mood for romance. So last night folks, the lady squeeze got a treat and it was all in your honour.

20 comments:

Tandleman said...

Now that ambition has been openly stated and targets set, knocking each other off perches has the possibility of being very entertaining indeed.

The runners and riders have declared. The race is on.

Cooking Lager said...
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Cooking Lager said...

The only ambition in this blog is to amuse myself, inspired by the bollocks of the beer blogosphere. If this shite ever appears on a wikio rating, Tandy, I would be too embarrassed to continue. It would be time to get my coat. I only started this tosh for my own amusement, after discovering the beer blogosphere by chance, and to give myself an ID to post on blogs like yours. Why there are people, nice as they are, following this shite is beyond me.
As for knocking others off perches. It might be fun, but I fear that people, through self awareness, might stop amusing me. Keep people on their perches!

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

Although our styles are different, we're very much the same. Hmmmm......Have you been created in a lab on the West Coast to further my war on Blogger Scum?? A bit Phantom, mixed with The Lone Ranger and Niven, all surrounded by a ZZ Top soundtrack. You are a Frankenstein to them, but to me you are a nuclear reactor that pisses radioactive lout on Blogger Scum and anyone with the audacity to call themselves a beer writer. Confront your anger and let it flow like your love of cheap lout. Unleash Hell!!

John Clarke said...

Given that Leffe is a) Belgian and b) licensed by an abbey I can't quite see how it's a "fake Belgian abbey beer". Industrial Belgian abbey beer, yes - and I guess that's why it appeals to you. Even so, isn't it a bit "pongy" for your tastes?

Tandleman said...

I was suggesting they'll be trying to knock each other off perches, not that you should do the knocking Cookster.

Cooking Lager said...

Too busy knocking the missus, tandy (knocking up not knocking abou).

It's fake Abbey beer, Jonny, as its not brewed in an Abbey, it's brewed under licence. No moinks involved.

Yup it's a bit pongy but I like it, and the lady squeeze likes it too. The brun is better, but I had none of that.

I like a lot of pongy beer, including much of the cask CAMRA muck I suspect you neck. At the end of the day it's all just hops and malt and water. Grog is grog, and if pongy beer was dirt cheap in Tesco I'd be necking that.

John Clarke said...

Cookie babes,

Sorry for the momentary lapse into beer bore mode but you are clearly in need of a quick lesson, thus:

Beer brewed at abbey by monks = trappist beer (only six such abbeys produce this stuff)

Beer brewed elsewhere under license from monks = abbey beer

Beer with vaguely religious connotations brewed elsewhere but sod all to do with monks = fake abbey beer

Leffe (rather amazingly you might think) falls within the second category above. And given how much of the stuff is made you might expect that the occupants of said abbey are minting it.

Pleased you've a taste for the pongy stuff - welcome to the dark side.

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

Who cares, most of that stuff taste like bad home brew.

Tim said...

Beer brewed at abbey by monks = trappist beer (only six such abbeys produce this stuff)

I concur with Sausage. Most of this 'Monk' beer tastes like a can of homebrew goop, a kilo of sugar fermented at 30 degrees and bottled with a sprig of corriander.

Monks should stick to worshipping and leave brewing to those versed in the arts

Cooking Lager said...

John,

you can have as many CAMRA beer bore categories as you like, but don't expect normal people to give a toss. If it ain't from an abbey, it's ain't from an abbey. Therefore it's fake abbey beer. It's nice fake abbey beer, but its fake.

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

This is fucking hilarious! My neighbor came 'round this morning to walk the dogs and I had to show him this post. We were both howling all the way to the park!!!! I printed a copy of the exchange, it's now on my fridge!!! Great stuff, that probably gets overlooked by geeky beer writers and beer experts.

Word verification: prictin

Pete Brown said...

"I want to see the quality of celebrity giving out the gongs. I want to see Kate Thornton on ITV2 at a back stage party interviewing the winners and losers."

As British Guild of Beer Writers Beer Writer of the Year and proud holder of number 2 in the wikio rankings, let me thank you for your restraint. it must have been a Herculean effort.

Re the above quote, as people who write about beer you could argue that we're all winners.

Alternatively, you might proffer the view that we are all a big bunch of losers.

blars.

Pete Brown said...

ps are you SURE you don't want me to have a word with the man from wikio about getting you included in the rankings?

Tim said...

Wikio = Shmikio. Who really gives a shit if some bloggers ass kiss other bloggers. That's all it's based on. Ass kissing, and sucking up to others to hav a link reciprocated. Is being the number 2 ass kisser something you really want to be boasting about?

Cooking Lager said...

Congrats Pete on your deserved achievement. My amusement at the idea of a beer oscars is no disrespect to your literary talents.

Pete Brown said...

Tim - I was taking the piss, mate. I hope you were too.

CL - it amuses me too, believe me. But a cool grand is a cool grand. And as for a ceramic tankard, well...

Tim said...

PB - taking the piss about ass kissing. Not about Wikio. I think pageviews are a more relevant way to index and rate things. If I were you I would hold a lot more stock in your book sales and take home salery than wikio rating.

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