An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Monday, 14 December 2009

Office parties

One aspect of the Xmas season that has me shouting “bar humbug” and being an all round Scrooge is that this is the season of the Xmas office party. I’ve often wondered why the word Scrooge is used to mean a person without the generosity of spirit to enjoy the Xmas season, for you can correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t the moral of the Dickens story “A Christmas Carol”, that far from being ungenerous of spirit, Mr Ebenezer Scrooge becomes the most generous man in all of old London town and more than any other man knows the meaning of Xmas? By the end of the book Scrooge is one of the good guys. No one uses the word Scrooge to mean that do they? Now it’s a while since I read it, but I do watch the Muppet Christmas Carol whenever it’s on the box and it’s pretty much the same story. Better than Dickens if you ask me, because Chuck Dickens never thought of putting ice skating penguins in his version.

Now I suspect much of the office party shenanigans will be avoided by your common or garden real ale jihadist as it involves pubs, bars and restaurants where there is no pongy real cask ale. Your average ale jihadist will therefore presumably refuse to go and miss out on all the fun. Well the fun involves getting pissed up on grog that you can buy in Tesco for tuppence, at £3+ a pint, with people that you share only one thing in common with, you work with them.

So how can you get rat arsed for nothing at these dos? How do you avoid being stung for overpriced grog?

If you’re lucky you’ll get a free bar. The food at these types of things varies between piss poor and just about edible. The free bar is the nirvana of the evening. One job I had involved a bus trip to head office, free hotel and a free bar between 7pm and 2am. Therefore one sat in the room watching sky sports until 7pm and then you joined your colleagues using the excuse that you were exploring the hotel facilities rather than avoiding paying for an overpriced round of grog. At 5 to 2, hit the bar for 6 pints of the strongest lout on offer, on a tray, and you are then set up till the early hours without paying for diddly squat. Just make sure none of your workmates snaffle them. Those six pints are yours and yours alone.

This year involved a restaurant near the office. The rules of this game are simple. Pal up with the boring none drinker tee total types, and sit as far away from the boss as possible. You might think none drinkers are boring, nothing could be further from the truth. None drinkers are quality. You can get a bottle of the red and another of the white at your end of the table with no competition for the necking of it. They are no more boring than anyone else you work with and if you’re lucky they will tell you about their rampant alcoholism and regular AA meetings. The alternative involves drunken colleagues snaffling the grog and crying about being dumped this close to Xmas and spending Xmas day alone.

That’s 2 bottles of fuel to last the evening. When they come round with more, put your hand up for another bottle of anything and you’ll never need to hit the bar. If you do, follow the boss. He or she will feel obliged, by way of rank, to buy you a drink. Steer clear of any underlings as they will expect you to pick up the round. You can do this as you have plenty of grog on your table.

The goal of this evening is to get gently pissed so you approach the point of enjoying yourself and thinking that actually you are glad you came. If you’re lucky one of the office hotties will have her eye on you, and if you have my luck one of the office notties will try and molest you and you will realise that no matter how pissed up you are there isn’t enough grog in the world to snog some people.

Pray the photos don’t end up on Face book and the evening is a winner.


Pete Brown said...

Sound advice - Xmas is a time for cheesy music, bad food, and, yes, lout often hits the spot. No one wants you talking about hop character when Jonah Lewie's on.

But how does the Ladysqueeze feel about your hopes and aspirations for the evening?

Cooking Lager said...

She's happy for me to get pissed up so long as I don't piss in the cupboard upon my return.

B-Dang said...

last christmas party i went too i drank a liter of whiskey got to thrid base with my best friends girlfriend(she instagated)came home shit in the cloest and my buddy who's girl i made out cleaned it up cause my old lady wont!! thats the true def of a best friend

p.s i dont drink whiskey anymore!! and that pic of Lauren Grahm is hott!! minus the old dude lol

Cooking Lager said...

The pic is from the film Bad Santa, B dang. A quality xmas film. And you are one bad man. have a good xmas.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidaze to you and your family.

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

Yes, total blessed to you Cookie with a good sized dollop of Christ's love thrown in for good measure.

Tandleman said...

Is that Mark Dredge (after a rough night) in that photo? (-;