An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Bone idle blogging

It appears the zeitgeist of the beer blogosphere at this time of year is to do a review of the year. The purview of lazy journalists trying to find crap to fill a 24 hour news station or fill column inches in a newspaper when its too cold to go outside and find actual stories that have happened or are happening finds it place among the half arse amateurs, wannabe writers, and actual writers of the blogosphere.

So why should this tosh be any different? Why shouldn’t I disappear up my own arse, in a self indulgent lazy mind dump, for I have been getting away with it so far.

So for a final blog of 2009, what’s my review of the year? Well this year I became a beer blogger myself. How did I let that happen to myself? Why on gods earth did I decide to waste hours of my valuable life, hours I’ll never get back, attempting to amuse myself at the expense of other people engaged in the innocent enough act of pursuing a harmless interest in beer? Its all the fault of beer community.

Sat on the couch, swigging a bottle of lout, scratching my balls and contemplating asking the lady squeeze if she would mind awfully if we turned over the TV channel to something less mind numbingly tedious, and I get the response “You want to drink less of that stuff, you’ll get a beer gut, and if you get a beer gut, your not lying on top of me with it”. My first thought was, “I prefer you on top, treacle, it’s less effort”, but I bit my lip and kept my thought to myself. My next thought on the matter was the following day, bored at work, I went beer googling. Innocent enough. All I wanted to know was the calorie content of various alcoholic drinks to find out whether beer would give me a gut anymore than any other pisswater I could choose to throw down my neck instead.

And there it was, waiting for me, the world of beer blogging. A merry band of men and women, though mainly men, writing tosh about beer they drank, pubs they liked, and what was occurring news and politics wise of interest to boozing types. It transfixed me.

The passion for what they liked, the equal and often greater passion for what they disliked. Arguments over smoking bans, the price of cheap grog, but lets not forget the argument over sparklers. That one had me transfixed. I felt an overwhelming urge to join in.

To express my very own opinion that there is nothing wrong with cheap grog. Actually it’s very nice and at the prices it’s going for rather a steal. To express the opinion that the public vote every time they spend a quid, and the British people ensure cooking lager is the number one beer of Britain every day of every year by the choice they make. You may choose different with your quid, but that does not make you a better person, a greater intellect, possessing of a finer palate, it simply means you have a different taste and the market appears sophisticated enough to cater for it. To express the opinion that if people wanted pubs to survive they would use them. They are not all going tits up. To confess my love of stealing glasses from said pubs. To express the opinion that it is a free Englishman’s right to have a bottle of HP sauce with his fry up in a countryside B&B. To giggle at the pretentiousness of people that think beer ought to appeal to middle class values and be more expensive, served in wine glasses, matched with food and generally appeal to ponces. To disagree with toss pots that say “at £2.90 a pint it was very good value”, because frankly no its not. It’s a glass of 90 odd percent water mixed with commodity grains for Christ’s sake. It ought to be cheaper than a loaf of bread.

So I joined in. Why the anonymity? You appear know something about beer, you can’t really like Carlsberg can you? The anonymity allows me to say what I like and not piss off the bird I’m shacked up with, the people I call friends, the people that employ me and pay my wages and doesn’t attach my name to anything I might have to explain to any of the above or someone that might want to offer me a job and thought he’d Google my name. As for knowing something about beer, its not difficult is it? Anyone with half an hour to spare and Google in front of him can find out enough about beer to appear knowledgeable. Beer knowledge is a pretty cheap commodity.

So what’s next for 2010? I’m kinda hoping some of the lady beer bloggers post a picture of themselves in a bikini, I’m hoping for more nonsense to amuse me, I’m hoping the nutters that want to put the price of grog up are thwarted and then buried alive, I’m planning a train trip to John Clarke’s beer festival in Stepford whenever that is to cover that and go tankard spotting. I was going to do one nearer to me, and photo the tankards and there owners, for my own amusement first and foremost and if it’s your bag then you are welcome to read it. However it is worth the effort to go the distance and support those that read this shite, so Johnny, trim the beard and polish the tankard my friend.

I'd go to America and visit Whorst, but Stepford's nearer. Sorry pal

Oh I have to name a beer of the year or something. Flieger Brau Weisse. You won’t be able to try it and say I’m wrong ‘cos they only flog it at the Fliegerbrauhaus and that’s in another country. Buy a plane ticket, then bother to tell me I’m wrong.

A merry Christmas and happy new year to the select few with nothing better to do that read this shite, I can only hope you find something better to do, for your own sake, in 2010.


Tandleman said...

Brilliant and true of course. Problem is, we can't help it.

Here's to a missus rattling Christmas for you Cookie. The rest of us'll be too busy wasting our time for that!

Besides your lady squeeze wouldn't want us to wot with the beer bellies and all.

John Clarke said...

I own neither beard nor tankard, I'm very pleased to say. Look forward to meeting you at Stockton, Stepford or even Stockport (first weekend in June, by the way).

Ken Davidson said...

Cookie, thanks for the continuing entertainment. Happy Hogmanay!

lizvater said...

Looking forward to the ritual unveiling of your true identity in 2010. Hang on a minute, you're not that blonde scientist who was on the game are you? I think we should be told.

Whorst said...

You are welcome in my beery mansion any time. Our guest bedroom has a wooden plaque with the words "Take Total Blessed Care" inscribed.

Anonymous said...

It's not the beer that creates the gut, it's the munchies the beer brings on … (did anyone, in the history of the world, ever eat a doner kebab except when pissed?)

Anonymous said...
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Kristy said...

A belated merry christmas to you - sorry, was too busy picking out an appropriate bikini.......

Beer Sagas said...

Thanks for entertaining me, Cooking Lager. Your posts are a must read, and this one as well.

I wish you a Happy New Year and wish you good luck in your future beer blogging.