An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Monday, 16 November 2009

Chemical Piss

One of the most heart-warming features of the beer blogosphere of recent days has been the emergence of arguably the better halves of bloggers. Here and here. Not to be left out I asked the lady squeeze whether she would pen something under the name Mrs Cooking Lager. Now that was a mistake. “Mrs Cooking Lager?” she responded, “Is that a proposal of marriage?”

“More a proposal that you tell the world what is it like to be shacked up with a cooking lager aficionado and all round love monster. The highs, the even greater highs, all that”

“So you don’t want to marry me?”

“Umm, well I do, you know I do, but what’s the rush, treacle, you’re not knocked up are you?”

Potential ring on finger crisis averted, she looked sceptical and said she would rather have teeth pulled than and I quote “talk to nutters, sexual perverts and social inadequates on the internet”. When I explained that the world of beer blogging has relatively few sexual perverts, only harmless nutters and nice people who you could never describe as social inadequates her only reply was “you mean apart from you”

So that’s that. No Mrs Cooking Lager explaining why it’s the best thing ever to be stepping out with a cooking lager enthusiast. You’ll just have to take my word for it that it’s pretty much as good as it gets, if you’re a lady, to have a chap that knows his way around the cheap lout aisle of all the local supermarkets.

Talking of cheap lout, this weekend I actually drank some bona fide chemical piss. An unfair, inaccurate and snobbish criticism often made of cheap lout is that it is chemical piss. It isn’t. It’s just mass produced bland grog of perfectly natural ingredients. The world of cider however is different. Cider is by and large undrinkable without chemicals, as anyone who has drunk real cider will attest to. Real cider, unlike real ale which by and large I don’ mind and sometimes like, is absolute nasty and foul bog water.

Thank god for chemicals that makes it drinkable. I was necking strongbow, a 5.3% cider made with bitter sweet apples and containing sugars and sweeteners to make it drinkable and remove the gag reflex that drinking the real stuff will give you. The main chemical in this grog is saccharine, a sweetener, and the grog is all the better for it. A couple of cans of this fizz and I’m nicely mellow. At 40p a can a nice way of relaxing.

Even if drinking cider has too many connotations of tramps and under aged drinking. Cider remains for me the drink of tramps and kids with asbos. It’s post Magners reinvention as an expensive and exclusive trendy drink has been lost on me by and large because I don’t really do either trendy or expensive.

But as far as cheap piss goes, Strongbow has a lot going for it. Difficult to drink a lot of, with a nice appley belch if you swig it too quickly, it gets the thumbs up as a cooking cider not for tramps, though possibly for asbos.


The Beer Nut said...

So I suppose a photo of her boobs is out of the question?

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

I fucking love it! When you start recording tracks, that'll be the day I'll have to retire from all this beer blog bullshit. I'd rather watch paint dry than read serious beer journalism.

Cooking Lager said...

Photo of her boobs eh? This is serious beer journalism, not a sex blog!

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

If the Beer Nut was serious about boobs, he'd have already discovered The Chronicles. I suppose he's a bit too posh for that though.

Real Cider said...

a shame you think real cider is not very nice. sales are actually up 5% this year, outselling so-called 'cider' drink like magners or strongbow.. people are voting with their taste-buds and supporting local artisan cider producers..

visit out site at to learn more about what makes real cider so special.

Cooking Lager said...

Thanks for the link, real cider, and I'm glad you like the bog water.

However if you sell a million pints of something and sales fall 10%, you still sell 900,000 pints.

If you sell 10 pints of something else and sales rise 100%, you are still only selling 20 pints.

Such is the nonesense of the comparison between "real" and chemical piss sales. One may be rising, one may be falling, but they are not in the same league.