An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Thursday, 13 August 2009


Had my first blighty bottle of cooking lager last night, and I can only describe the sheer ecstasy of gods own ambrosia tricking down my throat as “bliss”. What cooking lager caused this rapture? Why it was a bottle of Grolsch. Had a box in the garage for a while, but good old cooking lager is pasteurised and lasts forever, not like nasty pongy “living” beer. On my telly box was a dismal England playing footie with the Dutch, so if not a Dutch lager at least a Dutch brand is my spirited gesture of international brotherhood.

I say not a Dutch lager, because Grolsch is brewed on this fair isle to 5% ABV (I think the Dutch stuff is slightly stronger) so as it’s a British brewed version of a foreign lager, not to the authentic ABV it is most definably cooking lager. The ingredients on the bottle however display a worrying purity. Only barley malt and no adjuncts.

However after the first swig, my worries were gone. It has beeriness to it, but not too much. It tastes like a proper lager, but not too much like one, and I would rate it highly. A bit of a crisp bite, indicating hops have been used but thankfully not too much. Swig out of the bottle. With beery beers you are better off necking from the can or bottle as you get less of the whiff.

Real genuine cooking lager contains fewer hops and malt and more adjunct and chemicals but this attempt at cooking lager really is okay, despite its evident purity. Don’t let it put you off. I bought it a while back, and recall at the time a price of 30p per half pint bottle. Not too bad.
There is also a point to be made here about how cooking lager and footie is man’s territory. I’ve been reading a lot about lasses and beer, specifically here. Whilst Melissa is arguably a tasty bird, it only confirms what I’ve long thought. Ale, whether real or not, is a girl’s drink. Cooking lager is a man’s drink. It’s like that and that’s the way it is.

Ale may once have been the preserve of men, but like many things they have allowed themselves to be emasculated and now it is one for the ladies. It would not surprise me to see ale drinkers swigging with their little finger pointing out.

Now there are lasses that drink a pint of lout, but these are called ladettes. Ladettes are lasses that like to behave like blokes. This means that even though the occasional ladette may swig the odd pint of Carling, it remains a man’s pint.

Ale, white wine, blue wicked = Girls
Lager = Men

It’s official.


Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

I agree. I've been feeling rather tender lately.

Tyson said...

Men this, men that. Men sat round drinking Carling etc. Sound like confirmation of what I was told in 1978 when I was caught drinking Skol-lager is for poofs.

If ale is where all the birds are at now, put me down as an ale man!

John Clarke said...


I have come to the conclusion that you are a fraud and this blog is essentially a wind up. While you maintain the pretence of being "northern scum" you too often let your real knowledge about beer and brewing come through. It's an entertaining read though but I don't think anyone takes you all that seriously any more.

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

John, isn't "fraud" a bit strong? I think you should reevaluate your response. Surely anyone that enjoys tasteful nudes in various co2 environments and Bombay Bad Boy cannot be all bad. Who is anyone to judge his love of adjunct ridden lager? No one is perfect, including myself. I'm getting ready to go on a tirade against the over-sized wine glass, as it is of no use in the beer environment. Yeah, I'm sensitive, I think about the angst and possible terror I may unleash on proponents of such atrocities. Look what I did to Herr 'man. He's still scared to death of me, APRK's ideals, and Proper Real Keg being unleashed on a small island, three quarters the size of California. There's a new sheriff in town. That sheriff has been a long time coming. Now there's a voice of descent to counterbalance blogger scum. A Naga Chili enema up the backside of the anti-science crowd(Prescotti), dolts who make beer video reviews, and the Avery's and Cole's of the world who think it's necessary to tart up beer by giving it a new face in the form of stemware. There's much work to be done.

John, TTBC.

John Clarke said...


You are right, "fraud" is perhaps a bit strong, but all the same I really don't think Cookie is all that he makes out to be. I even think that he secretly likes all these "pongy" beers he tells us about. Still, it's still a fun read so I do hope he manages to keep up the pretence for a while yet.

Tyson said...


It is a good act, indeed. Of course, it's too erudite to be genuine, but then it has to be erudite to be entertaining.

Rob said...

Ow dear... I think John has rumbled the whole game. But its true still entertaining

Cooking Lager said...

Nobody takes me seriously anymore? Did they ever? Cooking lager is not a serious drink. It is a light fun easy going drink for people that only take seriously in life what needs to be taken seriously. Beer ought not be taken seriously, it ought to be enjoyed. Whether that be pongy beer or delicious cooking lager.

I suspect John is a "CAMRA" type. Show us your beard, John Boy.

John Clarke said...

No beards here, Cookie.