An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Thursday, 9 July 2009


Oh glory. 15 cans at £7.49. That folks is 50p a can for a grog my local boozer stings people £2.80 a pint for. At 50p a can it’s 66 1/2p a pint!

Now you can argue the pub is a responsible environment to drink in, but I am not a child and do not require a nanny. Many single interest groups that want to gain a monopoly on your drinking pound would have you believe the pub is a controlled and responsible drinking environment. It is no such thing. The 2am fights in the town centre are from people leaving bars and arguing over cabs. Home drinkers go upstairs to bed. You can argue the pub is a civilised social environment, but as the great Shagger Norris once said of public transport “the trouble with public transport is the public”. This can be said of public houses.

People are by and large Daily Mail reading BNP voters in need of a wash. I could understand the argument if I were to enter my local and meet either the ballroom dancing Alesha Dixon (easy on the eye) or a great thinker of the modern age like Prof Dawkins the god basher. He wrote an interesting book I quite liked that annoyed people that deserve annoying. But the person I am most likely to meet in the pub has a tattoo and most likely wants to bang on about immigrants and last had a thought in the summer of 1985, that wasn’t that profound anyway. Pubs are crap holes and as the great Ray Winstone said “Pubs are for losers”. Probably in a cockney hard as nails accent to boot, so you can’t argue.

The only purpose of visiting the pub is to nick branded glassware. You can occasionally acquire branded glassware legitimately, but usually at a cost and there is no pint within it. Xmas time is good time to find branded glassware as part of a beer gift pack, sometimes there is an offer on a beer pack, but otherwise you’re on the net shopping and paying P&P. Why bother? Nick one from the pub. Do it whilst you can. By all accounts pubs are not long for this island, and are going tits up, so get in there. The pic attached is my nicked Stella glass and cheap grog. Ta pub!

Starting off on the Stella I noticed it’s difficult to get the lout cold enough to drink. English lout is best served “super chilled” to kill the taste. Cold isn’t good enough, only super cold. Half an hour in the freezer and its cold enough. One in, one out. This sets a nice pace to neck all 15, if you don’t want to face a lager slush puppy its half an hour per can. As I’m sat watching the soaps with the lady squeeze, it’s timed to perfection. As the northern accents go cockney, time for a can!

The first goes down easy. Ice cold and crisp. Sweet but not as sweet as I remember but I wonder if that’s a result of the change from 5.2%abv to 5%. I don’t wonder for long and frankly don’t care. Some claim to be able to taste the difference between Belgian and English Stella, but such people are to be avoided as when people indicate clearly to you that they don’t know there arse from their elbow, it is likely true of them in regard to a great many things. Who cares whether it tastes the same? Who cares for the taste? People with beards, that’s who, Can you neck it without wincing? Yes you can. Cheers! By can 4 I’m feeling it, nice merry buzz. The world is looking sweeter. The maize in the beer lightens it, but the gas is now making me belch. Beer people would have you believe that maize is an “adjunct” and therefore bad. It’s used to make the beer cheaper. Well, if you eat cornflakes you eat maize. There is nothing wrong with maize. As a brewing ingredient it makes for cheap beer. Put it in all beer and flog it cheap! A roarer or two and I’m back on track. The belch gives me a second taste of the beer but a swift swig nulls the unpleasantness. The lady squeeze mentions that I’m an animal, and I suspect not in a good way, so I give up and call it a night. 4 cans = 3 pints, 2.2 units a can. Technically I’m a binge drinker. If only I had a controlled and responsible environment to stop me. Wait a minute, the pub would have happily served me 3 pints and taken £9 off me.

At £2 I’ve got a Bargain. Plenty left in the fridge for another night. Hurrah for wife beater. Nicely relaxed, nicely cheap, didn’t thump the girlfriend once. In fact the Stella made the serial monotony of one soap opera after another strangely fun and the girlfriend appreciated me swigging away rather than asking “Why are we watching this shit?” every ten minutes. Wife beater? Stella is the beer of relationship harmony!


The Beer Nut said...

"If only I had a controlled and responsible environment to stop me. Wait a minute, the pub would have happily served me 3 pints and taken £9 off me."


Welcome to the beer blogosphere. You're one of us whether you like if or not.

(the baldest beardie you're ever likely to meet.)

Wurst-Internet troll, bully, CEO APRK said...

I'm just wondering what his thoughts are on Hess?

Cooking Lager said...

Oh my god, somebody is reading this tosh. I can only thank you and wonder why.

Tandleman said...

Brilliant stuff. I loved this bit "It is not drunk for flavour as it has very little. It is drunk because we Brits like to get pissed but are unable to cope with proper lager. We therefore neck cooking lager in vast quantities and piss it all up the wall. Its what makes us better than other countries."

In fact I loved it all. Keep it coming.

Wurst-Internet troll, bully, CEO APRK said...

Good to see you conforming a tad, Rudy.

Curmudgeon said...

Stella's not the same since they reduced the ABV from 5.2% to 5.0%.

Velky Al said...

Hilarious stuff! Isn't nicking a Guinness glass a rite of passage?