An artisanally crafted blog curated by Cooking Lager for discerning readers of beer bloggery

Thursday, 30 July 2009

A cooking lager quandary


Being a young lad, inexperienced in many ways of the world, the psychology of the female mind remains a mystery. You see, I now find myself in a quandary. It has its origins in a schoolboy error I made in regard to comment about the large amount of clothes the lady squeeze possesses.

Within the master bedroom of the house there are 2 built in wardrobes at either side of the bed. You might think that is one wardrobe each for the lady squeeze and I. However 1 ½ wardrobes is dedicated to the wide variety of the lady’s clothes, with a minimum space for my own more limited collection of modern fashion. One of the spare bedrooms is also full of the ladies clothes that she considers “not every day”. It would take about a decade to wear each item, on the basis of changing your outfit daily. I know what you’re thinking and yes, when attending a friend’s engagement she complained of “having nothing to wear”

I made what I thought a helpful suggestion “why not put some in one of those charity bags that come through the door?” The look I got made me question whether I would ever have sex again. I’ve learnt not to go there, and sometimes you learn the hard way.

What has this got to do with cooking lager? Well, like all cooking lager enthusiasts I have a burgeoning collection of cooking lagers. A fair few in the fridge, a couple of boxes next to the fridge, and boxes stacked to the roof in the garage. The lady squeeze went in the garage, why I have no idea. The garage is man territory. It’s where a man keeps his flymo and spanner set. It is where my paint stick lives. Every man that is truly a man has a paint stick. A stick for the sole purpose of stirring paint. My grandfather had one; my father had one; I have one and my son, if I am so blessed, when reaching manhood will get one of his own. The garage is home to my cooking lager provisions.

Now the issue is they sell big boxes of it for tuppence and it’s such a steal I buy several boxes. Then next week there is another giveaway offer I cannot resist. I drink at a rate of a can, every other day. At weekends I share a bottle of vino with the missus. Hence the cooking lager is growing faster than diminishing. When seeing it the missus asked whether I was expecting a world war, and was stocking up for that purpose. However it is simply poor cooking lager management in my part. The poor weather has put the kybosh on a barbeque the missus was planning, which would have culled the collection. The lady squeeze even had the gall to suggest hypocrisy on my part for suggesting giving her clobber to charity, “whilst you’re stocking lager like you’ve a compulsive disorder”

The thing is there are new bargains every week. I am now banned from buying more, until, and this is the most unreasonable bit, the garage lager is gone. What is to do? Is there a way of convincing the lady squeeze that the stock is not “too much” but in fact “a healthy amount”. That every home needs what amounts to several years supply of cooking lager? That it is normal, expected and frankly the done thing.

Now I appreciate that in the brotherhood of beer blogging, a simple cooking lager enthusiast may not be considered as enlightened as a bearded pongy beer swigger. But any suggestions as how to lift the ban would be appreciated. I cannot review Foster’s everyday for a year until I run out and am allowed to buy more lout. I need to buy several boxes of whatever is cheap next time the missus drags me supermarket shopping. It is the only enjoyable part of the otherwise tedious journey of “which box of soap powder is better value” and “how do you tell whether a melon is ripe?” The Buddha said “life is suffering” as the first noble truth. The second was something on the lines of “life is suffering due to our desire for life to be otherwise” and then went on a bit and I cannot recall anymore of the tosh, but the thing is this. Life was suffering. It was suffering thousands of years ago because there was no cooking lager. These days life, and trips to the supermarket, is suffering with an exciting lagery bargain in the far aisle. Had cooking lager been about when the Buddha was a young lad about town, he’d of said “Life, it’s alright I suppose” and that would have been the first noble truth and eastern philosophy and religious theology would be very different today.

So guys, how do I lift the ban?

12 comments:

Tandleman said...

Well I hate to state the bleeding obvious, but you need to up your pathetic intake. A can every other day? You are a walking advert for the Government's propoganda.

Cooking Lager said...

Can't do that, Tandy. The trainers at the gym want me to cut back not increase my empty calorie intake.

Woolpack Dave said...

It's not lager at all, is it? It's an eclectic collection of pongy beer and your just to far down the road of your own false façade to loose face.

If not, then why not start an eclectic collection? After all, you drink it slowly, not at all like a true lager lout.

You really are that ZZ top reject, aren't you?

Tandleman said...

Beer - empty calories? Whoever heard of such a thing? You are in the wrong game - anyway what's another 200 cals a day. You could swig it while going for a walk - calorie neutral.

Woolpack Dave said...

What you need is a secret cellar. If you dig out the floor under the house you would make a nice cellar and loose calories at the same time.

So that your lady does not notice, send her out with a few quid and tell her to treat herself to something nice to wear. Whilst she's out, quick as a jiffy, make your secret stash cellar and clear up before she gets back. Oh, and empty some stuff out of her wardrobe whilst she's not looking as well.

There, somewhere to hide your lager and a happy lady to boot...

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

I see England hasn't come out with the 64 calorie cooking lager yet?
Do you care to divulge how plump you really are?

Cooking Lager said...

I'm liking Dave's Fred West/Joseph Fritzel inspired suggestion. Liking it too much. As for collecting pongy beer, when Tesco's pile it high and sell it cheap, I'll get used to the pong and learn to love it.

Gonna ask at the gym about Tandy's beerocise, see whether a can of lout is a substitute for lucozade sport.

As for how fat I am, Wurst, cooking lager enthusiasts are as fit as a butcher’s dog, matey. It's our stereotype.

Cooking Lager said...

Oh wurst, we have coors light at 88cals a bottle. American fizz that as soon as it's on offer, and I can sneak it through the checkout, will get a review. Already nicked a Coors frosted glass from the Spoons in anticipation

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

Shit, I almost fell out of my chair! That's a very hot picture you just added! We get the deluxe Coor's Light over here. It's actually brewed in Colorado. The mountains on the label turn blue when it's cold enough to drink. A true sign that they care about their product and their customers.

Cooking Lager said...

Picture is zz top, the iconic look for the true beer appreciator.

There is a deluxe coors light? I love America. We don't even have coors, the stuff Bandit sneaked past Smokey with Sally Field in tight jeans in the passenger seat.

We get bog standard coors light, 4.5% abv, with the mountains that turn blue if cold, but still, I want the regular coors and Sally Field in tight jeans.

Wurst/Whorst- Brewing Arts Instructor, CEO APRK said...

Get the track, "Beer Drinkers & Hell Raisers" if you haven't already. Once that track permeates your melon, you'll be mowing through the cooking lager faster than shit through a goose!

Sally Field was quite fit in her day. She does commercials over here for Boniva, which is a drug for postmenopausal Osteoporosis. She's still kicking though.

Tyson said...

Hmmm. I fear Tandleman has pointed out the obvious (and possibly only) solution. Changing a woman's mind is like trying to change the course of the sun, as Sigmund Freud used to say. And it may be a double whammy as she may be correct on this matter.

The only comfort I can offer you is that a similar thing happened to a friend of mine. But with porn. He just collected more than he could ever watch. When confronted, he had to think creatively. We all know women aren't good at spatial tasks (reverse parking) so he came up with the ruse of spreading it about more to give the illusion of less. Can you not break your stash up and do a little rearranging to give the same impression?

And yes, Sally Field was fit back in the day.