Being a young lad, inexperienced in many ways of the world, the psychology of the female mind remains a mystery. You see, I now find myself in a quandary. It has its origins in a schoolboy error I made in regard to comment about the large amount of clothes the lady squeeze possesses.
Within the master bedroom of the house there are 2 built in wardrobes at either side of the bed. You might think that is one wardrobe each for the lady squeeze and I. However 1 ½ wardrobes is dedicated to the wide variety of the lady’s clothes, with a minimum space for my own more limited collection of modern fashion. One of the spare bedrooms is also full of the ladies clothes that she considers “not every day”. It would take about a decade to wear each item, on the basis of changing your outfit daily. I know what you’re thinking and yes, when attending a friend’s engagement she complained of “having nothing to wear”
I made what I thought a helpful suggestion “why not put some in one of those charity bags that come through the door?” The look I got made me question whether I would ever have sex again. I’ve learnt not to go there, and sometimes you learn the hard way.
What has this got to do with cooking lager? Well, like all cooking lager enthusiasts I have a burgeoning collection of cooking lagers. A fair few in the fridge, a couple of boxes next to the fridge, and boxes stacked to the roof in the garage. The lady squeeze went in the garage, why I have no idea. The garage is man territory. It’s where a man keeps his flymo and spanner set. It is where my paint stick lives. Every man that is truly a man has a paint stick. A stick for the sole purpose of stirring paint. My grandfather had one; my father had one; I have one and my son, if I am so blessed, when reaching manhood will get one of his own. The garage is home to my cooking lager provisions.
Now the issue is they sell big boxes of it for tuppence and it’s such a steal I buy several boxes. Then next week there is another giveaway offer I cannot resist. I drink at a rate of a can, every other day. At weekends I share a bottle of vino with the missus. Hence the cooking lager is growing faster than diminishing. When seeing it the missus asked whether I was expecting a world war, and was stocking up for that purpose. However it is simply poor cooking lager management in my part. The poor weather has put the kybosh on a barbeque the missus was planning, which would have culled the collection. The lady squeeze even had the gall to suggest hypocrisy on my part for suggesting giving her clobber to charity, “whilst you’re stocking lager like you’ve a compulsive disorder”
The thing is there are new bargains every week. I am now banned from buying more, until, and this is the most unreasonable bit, the garage lager is gone. What is to do? Is there a way of convincing the lady squeeze that the stock is not “too much” but in fact “a healthy amount”. That every home needs what amounts to several years supply of cooking lager? That it is normal, expected and frankly the done thing.
Now I appreciate that in the brotherhood of beer blogging, a simple cooking lager enthusiast may not be considered as enlightened as a bearded pongy beer swigger. But any suggestions as how to lift the ban would be appreciated. I cannot review Foster’s everyday for a year until I run out and am allowed to buy more lout. I need to buy several boxes of whatever is cheap next time the missus drags me supermarket shopping. It is the only enjoyable part of the otherwise tedious journey of “which box of soap powder is better value” and “how do you tell whether a melon is ripe?” The Buddha said “life is suffering” as the first noble truth. The second was something on the lines of “life is suffering due to our desire for life to be otherwise” and then went on a bit and I cannot recall anymore of the tosh, but the thing is this. Life was suffering. It was suffering thousands of years ago because there was no cooking lager. These days life, and trips to the supermarket, is suffering with an exciting lagery bargain in the far aisle. Had cooking lager been about when the Buddha was a young lad about town, he’d of said “Life, it’s alright I suppose” and that would have been the first noble truth and eastern philosophy and religious theology would be very different today.
So guys, how do I lift the ban?